Please help me fund the ultimate Valentine’s Day present for my boyfriend Drew! I can’t tell you what the present will be yet (he reads this blog), but I promise to post all about it. All prices are negotiable. I will ship anywhere. All decants are $15 for 5 ml and $25 for 10 ml. All samples are $2 each and are manufacturer’s samples unless otherwise noted. (Someone bought the samples! Yaaaay!)

Full Bottles

Prada EDP Refill 75 ml - $45 (98% full)

Molinard Fleur du Chocolat 50 ml- $35 (sprayed twice)

Cartier Baiser Vole mini 15 ml- $25 (sprayed twice)

Balenciaga EDP mini 7.5 ml- $15 (applied once)

Love Chloe mini 5 ml- $10 (applied once)

Decants

Prada Candy

Estee Lauder Azuree Soleil

Serge Lutens Un Bois Vanille

Guerlain Après l’Ondée

L’Artisan Safran Troublant

Cartier Baiser Vole

Yves Saint Laurent Yvresse

M.A.C. MV3

Please note that I have not yet tried Billionaire Boyfriend. This post is in response to the concept behind this new perfume.

My angel! I’m so sorry, you caught me a little unprepared. I gave Jeeves the day off, he told me something about needing to have some words with Kate Walsh. You know Jeeves. Always such a kidder.

Why, darling, you’re hardly dressed for a day on the yacht! Where is your Prada sunscreen? Your Missoni muumuu? Next you’re going to tell me that you forgot your Gucci sandcastle bucket!

Why, pet, whatever could you mean by “Can we take the smaller yacht today?” You know perfectly well that I just had Jeeves prepare the S.S. 1% for our lunch with William and Kate! It would positively break Jeeve’s heart if we didn’t use it after he put so much effort into that diamond-encrusted anchor. And it always raises the serfs’ spirits to see our flag on the horizon.

You want a what? A job? Is that one of those ghastly STDs that all the commoners seem to have? Work? Well, naturally! I’ve been saying for years that it’s time for you to take over Mother’s position on the National Ballet board. No? Oh, I see, you genius girl. You’re holding out for the National Opera.

Look, I don’t know who this Gloria Steinem character is, but I don’t think she’s being a very good influence on you. Please don’t make me call Mother and have her disinvited from the Save The Dwarf Hamsters gala next month. Is she one of your Real Housewife friends? No? Is she a Kennedy? Those damn Kennedys. Can’t trust ‘em farther than you can throw them. What do you mean, “male gaze”? What the hell is a “proletariat”?

Sweet John D. Rockefeller! What’s gotten into you, precious? Look, those awful feminists are gone now, you don’t have to pretend anymore. We both know that all you want is to stay in our tastefully decorated home while I drunkenly invade Father’s stockholder meetings and carry on remarkably indiscreet affairs.

No, no, don’t speak, turtledove. I can see the rapturous agreement in your eyes. That’s what every woman wants, isn’t it? A billionaire boyfriend! No need for silly things like a job or an identity. My goodness, sometimes it’s positively exhausting to be so in touch with women’s needs. I may well have need of the smelling salts.

Why, poppet, you’re crying! Tears of joy, how very touching. Here, have my best handkerchief. It’s terribly soft, isn’t it? Jeeves wasn’t even using that chest hair.

Undina, as decided by random.org! Congratulations, and thank you so much to everyone who entered. Live long and prosper! (Psst…. Undina’s Looking Glass just celebrated its first birthday!)

I have been writing about perfume almost every day for two years now. This blog and the people who read it are often the best thing about my day. For the first time since I started Scents of Self, I don’t know what or how to write. I am hoping that finally being able to refill my ADHD medication will help some, but for now it is honestly kind of scary. I don’t feel that this blog’s time has come yet, so I’m turning to you for help. I need ideas,  y’all! What kind of posts do you want to see? What subjects or topics would you like to be covered? I will consider (and probably implement) any and all suggestions. Thank you very much in advance.

This morning, I received a desperate text from my long-distance best friend that read “[My boyfriend] says he’s going to buy me perfume for V-day. I need ideas!” Well, Scents of Self to the rescue, y’all. When you have finished reading this article, you will be a veritable master of Valentine’s Day perfume presents. Please try not to abuse this awesome power.

Step 1: Get a sense of your intended gift recipient’s tastes.

What perfumes has he or she worn in the past? Are there any connections or common themes between these fragrances? Perhaps your IGR has never worn perfume. In this case, we’ll have to start with the basics. What are his or her favorite smells? If he or she mentions naturalistic smells such as “fresh-mowed grass” or “the smell of the ocean”, you’re probably going to be looking at light, clean fragrances. If he or she says “a bouquet of [insert favorite flower here]“, we’re talking florals. If he or she salivates over “fresh-baked brownies”, you’ll do well to focus on gourmand fragrances. The website Basenotes provides a helpful basic guide to the different types of fragrances, with examples of each type.

Be sure to also take note of what kind of things your IGR enjoys outside of fragrance. Is he or she a label-lover who has never stepped a Manolo-clad foot inside a Walmart? You’re probably best off sticking to the big names, such as Chanel, Dior, or Prada. If, instead, your IGR is a tree-hugging hippie with a carbon footprint in the negative numbers, he or she might be happiest with a gift from natural or organic perfume lines. If you’re buying for a hipster who delights in the obscure, your best bet is a niche brand that only 5 people in the world have ever heard of.

From here, you have two options.

Step 2A: Take your IGR shopping with you and allow them to pick out a perfume for you to buy. I consider this the less romantic option.

Step 2B: Present your intended gift recipient with a collection of 5-10 samples which, based on the information you gathered in Step 1, you think he or she will like.

Giving your IGR five to ten choices greatly increases the chance that he or she will like at least one of them. DO NOT JUST BUY YOUR IGR ONE PERFUME. This has a much lower rate of success, and is quite likely to be returned. How will you get these samples? You have two choices: in person at stores, or online. I highly recommend the online option, but if you are short on time, here are some rules for in-store interactions. First, do not talk to the salespeople. For more information, please refer to this post. Your own nose will tell you whether what you are smelling is a floral or a candy-sweet gourmand. Do not talk to them until you are already sure of which fragrances you would like to have samples made of, and are ready to ask them to make or find those samples.

Here are the stores who will make you a sample of anything in the store: Nordstrom, Sephora, bluemercury, Lush. Here are the stores who will give you pre-made manufacturer’s samples if they have them and if you ask nicely: Saks Fifth Avenue, Barney’s New York, Macy’s (if you ask VERY nicely). Here are the stores who will not give you samples under any circumstances unless you have already purchased something, and maybe not even then: Neiman Marcus and virtually everywhere else. Feel free to add to this list in the comments, y’all.

If you are instead ordering your samples online, the process is significantly easier. There are three main websites from which to order samples: LuckyScent, The Perfumed Court, and The Posh Peasant. Each has their own advantages. LuckyScent is probably the best choice for beginners. It has the fastest delivery, and its website groups fragrances into many helpful categories based on fragrance family or specific notes. Each sample costs between $3-$5. The Perfumed Court and The Posh Peasant, however, offer a greater selection of vintage or discontinued fragrances. Many smaller perfume houses, such as Ineke or Andy Tauer, offer sample packs on their own websites. The samples will not come wrapped in anything more glamorous than bubble wrap, so make sure you have your own pretty wrapping supplies on hand.

Step 3: Observe your IGR’s reactions to the samples. Act accordingly.

Most likely, your IGR will have a clear favorite. Hooray! Buy that one! If your IGR does not like any of the choices, you can resort to Step 2A, start over at Step 2B, or give up entirely. Frankly, I would give up entirely. Some people are more into the idea of receiving perfume for Valentine’s Day than the actual perfume. Buy them a nice book or a coffee machine instead. Take comfort in the fact that you have at least learned not to talk to perfume salespeople.

Photo is by Brook McLay of "The Family Kitchen"

Vanilla extract was the very first “perfume” I ever wore. I was 12 years old, and my wannabe Wiccan friends at summer camp assured me that vanilla was a love potion that could not fail to attract the menz. In conjunction with my hilariously awkward ear-length hair and enormous glasses, it was a lethal combination. The menz never stood a chance.

I'm on the far left. As you can see, my milkshake brought all the boys to the swing.

Despite my lack of success with vanilla’s aphrodisiac properties, I am still very fond of vanilla as a note in perfumes. Today I’ll be reviewing two vanilla fragrances by L’Artisan Parfumeurs: the discontinued Vanilia and Vanille Absolument. I was able to try both of them thanks to the generosity of a wonderful reader, matildaben.

Vanilia is one of the very few fragrances that received a five-star rating in Perfumes: The Guide. Author Luca Turin describes Vanilia as belonging to the category of “Great Vulgar”. How could I resist? We’re all about the vulgarity here at Scents of Self, and I have the Snooki bobble-head to prove it. Ultimately, however, I was disappointed by Vanilia.

Instead of the delightfully vulgar fragrance I was expecting, I found: plastic. This sugary vanilla perfume is marred by a prominent plastic note. Vanilia is not the “hilarious, unfettered, boisterous beauty” promised by The Guide; it is sweet plastic, strange and unpleasant. Now, let’s be clear: reformulations are so common in perfumery that it is entirely possible that Vanilia was once a great fragrance. But as for the version that I am smelling now, I have to say that I think L’Artisan did the right thing by discontinuing it.

Vanille Absolument (originally named “Havana Vanille”, which was a much better name for it) is a far more pleasant experience. This one smells like Mexican hot chocolate: cocoa powder, vanilla extract, cinnamon. Vanille Absolument is a delectable gourmand that never becomes too sweet. It is dark and rich, but maintains a lighthearted mood. This is the perfect perfume to warm and cheer a dreary winter day. I am pleased to point out that Vanille Absolument can be currently found for a very good sale price on the L’Artisan website: $60 for 50 ml.

If I were to give Parfumerie Generale a two word description, as perfume writers Luca Turin and Tania Sanchez do, it would have to be “odd almond”. Tonkamande is a very sweet almond scent undercut with a wheaty aspect. I can’t decide whether I like the wheat or not. It feels dissonant and at odds with the almond note, but it also prevents Tonkamande from being just another almond scent. Tonkamande has an airy texture, like whipped meringues. It smells almost edible, but is much lighter than most gourmands (which tend to gluttony). Tonkamande is delicate, but not exactly pretty. I find this scent pleasing, perplexing, and definitely worth a try.

Perfume

The perfumes in my purse are not necessarily my favorites, because I tend not to wear my more challenging or unusual perfumes out of the house. Instead, these are the perfumes that I am almost positive would not offend anyone. Lush Vanillary, a tasty caramelized vanilla fragrance, has little sillage in its solid perfume form. The lovely lily Cartier Baiser Vole is “clean” enough to appeal to modern mainstream preferences. Anné Pliska, a seductive orange-and-amber scent, is one that I often reach for when going out with friends. Finally, Stella McCartney Stella is a streamlined, somewhat severe rose fragrance. I like to wear it on days when I’m wearing all black.

(The adorable baby in the background is my wonderful little brother, Buzz!)

Makeup

I very rarely wear makeup. Not out of any political statement or aesthetic preference, but because I am extremely averse to the feeling of anything touching my face. I have a super bizarre system for washing my hair that is intended to minimize the exposure of my face to water. I know how incredibly dumb this sounds, and it totally is! I need to be wearing makeup to help me look more mature. I look much further below the age of consent than I actually am.

When I do wear makeup, I tend to go for the 50′s look: liquid liner and red lipstick. The lipsticks in this picture are Givenchy Fruity Orange, Lipstick Queen Medieval, M.A.C. Brave Red, and M.A.C. Viva Glam Cyndi Lauper. I wholeheartedly recommend the Viva Glam line. The colors are beautiful, and 100% of the selling price of each product goes to the M.A.C. AIDS Fund. A beloved biology teacher of mine died in his forties four years ago, and I try to honor him by supporting this truly worthy cause.

Reading Materials

Zelda Fitzgerald’s one and only novel, “Save Me The Waltz”, is assigned reading for my current class on the Fitzgeralds. Zelda wrote it in six weeks while being treated for schizophrenia at Johns Hopkins Hospital. It was extremely poorly received, and sold barely over a thousand copies. Despite all that, “Save Me The Waltz” is actually beautifully written, full of lush, languid language. It is the strongest piece of proof for my belief that Zelda was not actually particularly mentally ill at the beginning of her treatment, and it was the use of then-poorly understood electroshock therapy that caused the decline of her mental health.

“The Lush Times” is the most enjoyable catalogue I have ever had the pleasure of reading. In addition to providing many silly descriptions of Lush’s fun, quirky products, it also includes a board game, a delicious-sounding cocktail recipe for a Jilted Elf (6 ounces chilled Earl Grey tea, 9 ounces fresh tangerine juice, 2 tbsp orange blossom honey, fresh fig wedges), directions for making your own Santa origami, and delightfully groan-worthy puns (“What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”).

I have also been carrying around 2 copies of this ”How to Eat Shabu-Shabu” guide from a delicious Japanese restaurant in L.A. Just in case I should be suddenly called upon to eat Shabu-Shabu. You never know.

Miscellaneous 

I don’t even care how much of a dork this Pikachu hat makes me. The prospect of wearing the world’s most adorable hat is often the only thing that can make me leave the apartment on freezing winter days.

I have been knitting this damn mini ninja for 5 months now. “Ages 8+” my ass.

These $3 “Hopkins State” sunglasses are perhaps the most meaningful item in my purse. In the second semester of my freshman year, I had a very bad case of mononucleosis. I had failing grades in three out of four classes, and eventually had to take a medical withdrawal for the semester. I literally could not have felt like more of a failure. A day before I left campus, a “friend” directed me to a post on a highly-read Hopkins gossip site, JHU Confessions. In a post using my full name, an anonymous charmer had left a comment declaring “There ought to be a Hopkins State for retards like her”. (For non-Americans and/or non-assholes, the joke is that state/public schools are considered less academically rigorous than private schools like Hopkins.)

As you can imagine, this is exactly what I needed to read at the time. But if there is one thing I pride myself on, it is my strength. A big part of that strength is my gallows humor. Being able to laugh at myself and at awful situations helps me to make the best of things. So when I saw these “Hopkins State” sunglasses being sold at a homecoming game, I grabbed myself a pair. I have hardcore ADHD Inattentive Type. Only 22% of students with ADHD attend college at all, and only 5% end up graduating*. “Retard” or not, I have lasted three years at the 13th best college in America. I am defying the statistics. I am going to be one of the 5%. Hopkins State class of 2013, bitches.

*http://www.edgefoundation.org/schools/adhd-friendly-colleges/

Today is the birthday of DeForest Kelley, the actor who played Dr. McCoy in the original Star Trek! With his manic eyes and good-natured grumpiness, McCoy was always my favorite Star Trek character. So in honor of DeForest Kelley’s birthday, I’m giving away a 50 ml bottle of the lovely gardenia perfume Annick Goutal Un Matin d’Orage!

I found it at Anthropologie, and it has been sprayed once. This giveaway is open to everyone, regardless of location. It will be closed one week from now. To enter, please leave a comment telling us your favorite Star Trek character. If you do not have a favorite Star Trek character, please provide a reasonable explanation for why this is.

Saturday, January 14th: I manage to drag my father into a Lush store. This is significant because my father cannot smell. He lost his sense of smell after breaking his nose in a car crash before I was born. As a result, all perfumes smell the same to him, and he considers my perfume habit a bit frivolous and silly. He would ordinarily never accompany me into a perfume store, but I’m banking on Lush’s quirky image to persuade him. My father is an oddball. A terribly lovable oddball, of course, but he likes the weirdest things. He is currently trying to teach himself how to play the ukelele.

The Lush saleswoman very generously offers to demonstrate a bath bomb for us. She detonates a sparkly purple one named Phoenix Rising, which immediately begins merrily whizzing around the bowl. My father is tickled. Not surprising, considering that he is essentially a mad scientist. Okay, okay, “inventor”. He creates devices that detect breast cancer. I once had to help him radiate earthworms for one of his experiments. He goes home with a bath bomb and some wasabi-flavored Toothy Tabs. Victory!

The Lush saleswoman also compliments me on my new haircut. I have not in fact, gotten a haircut, but I go with it because nobody ever compliments me on my short hair (which makes me look vaguely like Snape).

SOTD: Lush Vanillary, a delicious caramelized vanilla, which I spray on while my father browses the bath bombs. Vanillary is even weirder than Serge Lutens Un Bois Vanille- where UBV uses woods, a natural accompaniment to vanilla, Vanillary incorporates a dissonant jasmine note.

Sunday, January 15th: My boyfriend Drew is home from Iowa today! We have a delicious dinner with my family at Benihana’s. Like the hibachi fiend I am, I eat every damn grain of fried rice and find myself carrying a food baby by the end of the meal. I decide to name the food baby Jessamina, after my Italian great-aunt. My father (remember the part where I told you he was an oddball?) enthusiastically invites Drew to go snowboarding with him tomorrow. Sadly, we have to get back to Baltimore.

SOTD: Cartier Baiser Vole, the only perfume that I remembered to bring in my purse. Unfortunately, the lovely lily fragrance wilts in the face of the hibachi grill.

Monday, January 16th: It’s MLK day! I decide to watch an Uhura-centric Star Trek episode to honor Dr. King, who famously convinced Nichelle Nichols not to quit the show. Nichelle had gotten fed up with William Shatner’s demands for more and more lines and screen time (Oh, Bill, you absolute cad), so she had handed in her letter of resignation the night that she met Dr. King. As he shook her hand, Dr. King told her that he was a huge Star Trek fan, that it was the only show that he allowed his children to watch.

Upon hearing that she was planning to quit, he gave the kind of speech that only MLK could: “[Your role as Uhura] validates what we are marching for, because three hundred years from today, there we are! And there you are! In all our glory and all your glory! And you CANNOT leave!” The next day, Nichelle Nichols marched into Gene Rodenberry’s office and asked him to rip up her letter of resignation. (I’m not going to lie: I tear up every time I hear that story!)

SOTD: Comptoir Sud Pacifique Vanille Mokha. I haven’t yet figured out how to use my housemate’s fancy new coffee maker, so I figure that a coffee scent is the next best thing.

Tuesday, January 17th: Great success! I have figured out how to use the fancy new coffee maker. The rest of my morning is less triumphant. Zelda has decided that she is no longer afraid of water. While I am very happy for her, this makes my bath time somewhat less peaceful than it used to be. Normally my morning bath is when I catch up on my favorite perfume blogs, but today’s bath mostly consists of trying to fend off an unreasonably vicious kitteh. Why is my cat so scary, you guys? I am almost positive that she is not supposed to be biting me this much. I am thinking of having a DNA test done on her. We know that she is half Siamese, but I suspect that the other half is jaguar or cheetah.

Later, Zelda, Drew and I catch up on Top Chef. The other chefs are being mean to my favorite contestant, Beverly. I pray that they will be struck with karmic retribution in the form of undercooked risottos and overcooked fish dishes. When the show ends, I get started on my class reading for tomorrow: Sophocles’ The Theban Plays. These include the story of Oedipus and his daughters. They are kind of super depressing. Spoiler alert: EVERYONE HANGS THEMSELVES. Because my study methods involve creating crudely-drawn, deeply unfunny comics about the material, I present to you: Oedipus Comics!

SOTD: Escada Rockin’ Rio. I needed something mindless and cheerful after all of that everyone hanging themselves business.