2008 was a difficult year for me, queridos. While I now sing the praises of President Obama and his lovely family, during the primaries I was ferociously pro-Hillary. Of course I was disappointed when it became clear that we would not have a female president, but these days I think that the role of Madame Secretary suits her even better. Fun fact: Hillary was confirmed in February of 2009. By October, she had already visited over 30 countries as secretary of state*. Condoleezza Rice visited 83 over her entire career**.
But anyway, every morning of 2008 I would walk into my very liberal Jewish high school and be taunted with “Obama won [insert state here]!”, and eventually, “Why doesn’t she just drop out now?” I would defend her honor as best I could, then curl up in my various Clinton 2008 apparel and tell myself that they just didn’t know Hillary like I did.
Hillary, your true colors are beautiful, like a raiiiinbow
Back in 2008 I was often told that Hillary was “manipulative”, “scheming”, “a frigid bitch”, etc. When people first said these kinds of things to me I was nothing short of shocked. It had honestly never occurred to me that there could be people who did not like Hillary Clinton. I had always found her so delightful, this passionate, devastatingly intelligent force of nature. In the fantastic movie Dogma, The Metatron (God’s messenger) describes God as “lonely, but funny!” I have always thought that this description fit Hillary peculiarly well.
Hillary is known to wear Thierry Mugler Angel, created in 1992 by Oliver Cresp. To understand why this is hilarious, you need to know a little bit about Angel. Angel was the very first modern gourmand, a fragrance category describing perfumes that smell edible (and by “edible”, I mean that gourmands smell like a dessert, not like a steak). It was monstrously successful, and there is a very good reason that I use the word “monstrous”. Angel is scary. It smells like a giant fell into a vat of patchouli, then ate an entire Godiva store. It goes through a very brief apricot phase before settling down into cotton candy. If I have not made it clear enough, Angel is teeth-destroyingly sweet and WMD-levels of strong. No need to worry about North Korea, you guys! Just make sure they know how many bottles of Angel we have here in the US. They wouldn’t dare try anything.
Angel is absolutely perfect for Hillary in two ways. First, while Angel may be sweet, it is also a very, very powerful fragrance, spectacularly ballsy. I imagine that Angel’s cojones appeal to Hillary, as her own (metaphorical) set is much bigger than most mens’. Second, people often forget that Hillary has a very, very good sense of humor. Angel is the olfactory equivalent of her famous cackle.
As deliciously trashy as an episode of America’s Next Top Model and Jersey Shore combined, so sugary (some would say sickeningly) sweet that Thierry Mugler once declared it should inspire one to “devour the person you love”***, Angel is about as far from Hillary’s “frigid bitch” public persona as possible. Can you really imagine Hillary, in her full headband-and-pantsuit glory, smelling like cotton candy? It’s as incongruous as Marilyn Monroe wearing the somewhat frumpy Chanel No 5, and just as genius.
Disclaimer: The SA at Nordstrom gave me a HUMONGOUS sample of Angel. I will never, ever, ever need this much Angel in my life.
*** “Pretty: The Nylon Book of Beauty”