Oh, y’all. I don’t know who spiked the Oscars Punch this year- although my money is on J.Lo, mostly because that just seems like something that she would do- but an unusually high percentage of these outfits are CRUGLY. Crugly being a combination of the words “crazy” and “ugly”, or possibly “crunk” and “ugly”, since crunkeness (itself a combination of “crazy” and “drunk”) would certainly explain a lot. Oscars Punch is, of course, the traditional beverage of the Oscars: one part tequila, one part last year’s losers’ tears).
Speaking of Jenny from the Block, let’s start with her.
“Sooo… how do you deal with having lost all relevance about 10 years ago?”
“Oh, I married that douche from Punk’d. You know, the one who’s 15 years younger than me. You?”
“Well, I have a massively-successful-despite-being-kinda-mediocre perfume line. Also, I feel like I might have had twins at some point.”
Cameron Diaz, this is the best you’ve looked since that unfortunate breakup with Justin Timberlake. Look on the bright side, sweetie: you look absurdly hot, and he has to deal with Jessica Biel’s whiny ass.
Because otherwise, it’s pretty heinous.
So this oompah-loompah-with-implants is your mother, Miley Cyrus? Well, that explains a lot. You know what? Just forget all of those things I said about you being a terrible role model. You’ve got it tough, kid.
Mariah, remember all of those times that I begged you to start dressing your damn age (40)? This is not really what I had in mind. Still, I cannot fault your gift for finding dresses that manage to be both somewhat baggy and incredibly inappropriate.
I, umm, well, wow. This is a sack. A shiny, satin sack. This would be unbelievably unflattering on any woman with anything resembling a real body. Oh haiii, Halston! How are y’all feeling about the fact that you just made Sarah Jessica Parker here your new creative director? Should be a blast!
If you are like me, you were eagerly anticipating Gabourey Sidibe’s Oscar dress. Nobody gets more excited than me to see a talented black woman succeed. It’s certainly not terrible, not like Jennifer Hudson’s overwhelmingly underwhelming brown-dress-and-bolero ensemble, nor is it particularly exciting. I like the color, could do without the flowers.
Yes, Penelope Cruz, you look great, the color is very flattering, who does your makeup, blah blah blah. You are stuck in a RUT, lady. All you ever wear anymore are these grand dame style dresses, fitted at the top with a dramatic bottom half. Mix it up! Also, do you drink unicorn’s blood? Because that is some unearthly facial radiance.
Kate Winslet, you are divine. It almost looks like you are wearing a jumpsuit, but I’m almost positive that’s just the angle of the picture. I’m pretty sure that you’re married, but if you ever decide to make the world’s prettiest babies with Leo, I don’t think anyone would object.