Oh, y’all. I don’t know who spiked the Oscars Punch this year- although my money is on J.Lo, mostly because that just seems like something that she would do- but an unusually high percentage of these outfits are CRUGLY. Crugly being a combination of the words “crazy” and “ugly”, or possibly “crunk” and “ugly”, since crunkeness (itself a combination of “crazy” and “drunk”) would certainly explain a lot. Oscars Punch is, of course, the traditional beverage of the Oscars: one part tequila, one part last year’s losers’ tears).
Speaking of Jenny from the Block, let’s start with her.
I personally think that J.Lo is rocking this white concoction, even if it does seem a little bridal. Demi Moore, not so much. But mostly I just think it’s hilarious that they’re posing together.
“Sooo… how do you deal with having lost all relevance about 10 years ago?”
“Oh, I married that douche from Punk’d. You know, the one who’s 15 years younger than me. You?”
“Well, I have a massively-successful-despite-being-kinda-mediocre perfume line. Also, I feel like I might have had twins at some point.”
“Ah.”
Charlize Theron, honey, as much as I’m sure Georgia O’Keefe appreciates your touching homage, her flowers actually represented a different part of the female anatomy.
Cameron Diaz, this is the best you’ve looked since that unfortunate breakup with Justin Timberlake. Look on the bright side, sweetie: you look absurdly hot, and he has to deal with Jessica Biel’s whiny ass.
Live long and prosper, Zoe Saldana. I mean, your dress is clearly a loving tribute to the classic Star Trek episode, “The Trouble with Tribbles”, right?
Because otherwise, it’s pretty heinous.
I guess Regina George decided to try Sears after all.
So this oompah-loompah-with-implants is your mother, Miley Cyrus? Well, that explains a lot. You know what? Just forget all of those things I said about you being a terrible role model. You’ve got it tough, kid.
Mariah, remember all of those times that I begged you to start dressing your damn age (40)? This is not really what I had in mind. Still, I cannot fault your gift for finding dresses that manage to be both somewhat baggy and incredibly inappropriate.
Oh, Diane Kruger. And you’re usually so stylish! The best thing that I can say about this dress is that it’s not this:
I, umm, well, wow. This is a sack. A shiny, satin sack. This would be unbelievably unflattering on any woman with anything resembling a real body. Oh haiii, Halston! How are y’all feeling about the fact that you just made Sarah Jessica Parker here your new creative director? Should be a blast!
Tina Fey, you please me greatly. Your dress looks fantastic, and although I’m not really sure how well the Snooki poof works on you, I know that Snookums appreciates the sentiment. Work it, lady.
If you are like me, you were eagerly anticipating Gabourey Sidibe’s Oscar dress. Nobody gets more excited than me to see a talented black woman succeed. It’s certainly not terrible, not like Jennifer Hudson’s overwhelmingly underwhelming brown-dress-and-bolero ensemble, nor is it particularly exciting. I like the color, could do without the flowers.
Yes, Penelope Cruz, you look great, the color is very flattering, who does your makeup, blah blah blah. You are stuck in a RUT, lady. All you ever wear anymore are these grand dame style dresses, fitted at the top with a dramatic bottom half. Mix it up! Also, do you drink unicorn’s blood? Because that is some unearthly facial radiance.
Kate Winslet, you are divine. It almost looks like you are wearing a jumpsuit, but I’m almost positive that’s just the angle of the picture. I’m pretty sure that you’re married, but if you ever decide to make the world’s prettiest babies with Leo, I don’t think anyone would object.
Okay, I’m calling it: best dressed of the night. Meryl Streep, you are a goddess. Show these whippersnappers how it is DONE.
SCENTS OF SELF 
J.Lo looks like a lacy pink orchid.
And Dame Mirren is actually getting my vote for best dressed, but I do so love me a women who can star in the world’s most famous porno and rise to the glamour, class and brilliance of Helen.
Helen Mirren looked as fabulous as always- I can only pray that I will look that hot at 65. I had no idea that Mirren’s roots were in porn! The only thing I’ve seen her in was The Queen, which could be considered porn only by the bluest of British bluebloods.
Helen didn’t actually -do- porn, per se, but she was involved in a particularly famous one with a shockingly all-star cast — Peter O’Toole (aptly named?) even had a role in it.
She played Ceasonia in Caligula. The film has several releases. One being a heavily edited R rated version and another being a porn.
Meryl and Helen kicked starlet butt, IMHO.
Not that I actually care about this sort of thing. I’m always just stunned at how baaaaaad wealthy, beautiful people can look at these awards shows.
WHAT’S THE DEAL, wealthy beautiful people? And it’s not even the purposeful ugliness that is SWINTON’s fashion sense. Somebody’s stylist has some serious ‘splaining to do.
I love Demi Moore’s dress!
Though I admit that it makes my mind turn not to fashion, but to plant catalogs. I’m trying to think of a peony with petals like that. But still, I like it.
I love the bottom half with all the ruffles, but the top half seems unflattering. I am also not a big fan of Ms. Moore ever since her claims that various magazine covers featuring her were not photoshopped in any way. Way to perpetuate impossible standards there, Demi!
My favorite gown of the evening was Sandra Bullock’s. I thought she looked bee-u-tee-full. She literally sparkled! She was such a good sport too – collecting her Razzie in person the night before the Oscars. She likes to keep things in perspective. I like her.