It’s not like a perfume fiend is going to say no to roses and Godiva, but for us, the true meaning of the holiday comes in 3.4 oz bottles. Your Valentine’s Day scent must effortlessly seduce or, depending on the occasion, ruthlessly friend-zone. No doubt you’ve been endlessly agonizing over which scent to choose. Well, I’m here for you, dear readers. I’m here for you.
Fancy French Restaurant
We both know that you only made this reservation as an excuse to wear your old-school Guerlains, so why try to fight it? Go for the full-bodied Mitsouko if you’re drinking red, dainty L’Heure Bleue if you prefer white, or flirtatious Shalimar for a rose. Champagne calls for the sparkling Chanel No. 22, of course.
The night begins when you buy an outrageously overpriced polaroid camera at Urban Outfitters. You’ll need this to take artsy pictures of yourselves and your perfectly piece-y bangs. (Hipsters, how do you get your bangs to lie so straight??? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS. Later you’ll watch Blue Valentine at your favorite indie movie theater, or hit up a local music festival to see an obscure band. Hipster dates call for a perfume that says “I am the most unique person in a room full of people trying to be the most unique person in the room.” You’ll want something pretentiously quirky, like Etat Libre d’Orange “Like This”, inspired by the deliciously weird Tilda Swinton. Bvlgari Black would have been a good choice, but it’s soooo mainstream now, man.
Creepin’ At the Club
Your emotionally abusive, gorilla juicehead boyfriend has broken your heart (and your glasses) for the last time. It’s time to straighten your hair, throw on your most slut-tacular outfit, and dance the night away at Karma’s. The sweet coconut scent of Ed Hardy Love and Luck will help you attract an even more juiced-up gorilla, hopefully one with less of an issue with ‘roid rage.
Dying Your Hair Fire-Engine Red in the Dorm Bathroom Because Being Single on Valentine’s Day is Really Depressing You Guys
One, and only one, fragrance is appropriate for this very special date: Eau de Marla Goldsmith, featuring notes of vodka and shame.
Spontaneous Adventure Date
Some people find this kind of impulsivity to be charming and romantic. I hate these people. These assholes cannot be content with a perfectly decent dinner and a movie. No, their date must be “special”. So they insist on mountain biking in search of “this totally perfect picnic spot”, or perhaps a nice 50-block walk because “that crazy karaoke bar was definitely around here somewhere”. The mountain biking will inevitably involve traipsing through poison ivy, and will ultimately leave you sweaty and covered in mosquito bites. The “crazy karaoke bar”, if it even exists at all, will be in blatant violation of multiple health code violations. You will almost certainly contract hepatitis from the microphone.
If you are the unfortunate victim of such a date, your perfume must project that you are a low-maintenance, laid-back gal who is up for anything. This fragrance must vehemently deny that you are the sort of prissy bitch who will absolutely lose it if any mud gets on your Manolos. (If it’s not abundantly clear by now, I am exactly that sort of prissy bitch.) This means natural, outdoorsy scents: Chanel Sycomore, most of the Annick Goutal line, or maybe just the nice lemony smell of bug spray.
Staying In and Watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, AKA The Best Valentine’s Day Ever
I will be pulling out all the stops for my fictional boyfriend Captain Jean-Luc Picard. A few spritzes of Sulu Pour Homme, and he’ll declare, “Resistance is futile!”
How will you be spending Valentine’s Day, and what fragrance will you wear?