Hey y’all! America’s Sweetheart here to tell you about my new perfume, Wonderstruck. Wonderstruck is perfect for that 22 year-old girl in your life who is contractually obligated to act like a 15 year-old emoting into her flimsily-padlocked diary. It’s sure to leave the Jonas Brother in her life “wonderstruck” (see what I did there???), at least until he leaves her for the whorish Demi Lovato in her life. Wonderstruck features notes of beautiful rainbows, adorable kittens, and romantic-yet-chaste walks on the beach. It also-
YO TAYLOR! I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST CELEBRITY FRAGRANCES OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!!!!!!
Hold up, y’all. This isn’t Planet Caps Lock. Where am I? Why is this bottle of Hennessy empty?
Why is Taylor Swift crying again? Damn, girl, don’t cry. Uncle Kanye will take away your tears, or at least bottle them in a glass jar, because I heard they can cure cancer.
Damn, y’all, why don’t I have a perfume yet? P. Diddy has a perfume. Usher has a perfume. Why not Kanyeezy? I think that all y’all HATERS are underestimating my ARTISTIC IMPACT on rap. I am the MICHELANGELO of rap, and here I am referring to both the artist AND the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I am the SYLVIA PLATH of rap, and I have the bell jar full of Taylor Swift’s tears to prove it. Did Puffy direct a THIRTY NINE-MINUTE music video that featured ballet dancers, a phoenix love interest, and a pet sheep? Does Usher even HAVE a pet sheep? I BET HE DOESN’T. I keep mine in my backyard, next to the phoenix.
Y’all in luck, perfume companies. Uncle Kanye has graciously decided to allow you to create a perfume for me. It will smell like GENIUS. Genius and Hennessy. YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA.
[Editor’s note: Today’s post was based on the testimony of my former nurse Monique, who used to work at Kanye West’s record company. Taylor Swift Wonderstruck is the same old red fruit punch fragrance that smells suspiciously similar to Rihanna’s celebrity perfume. It is about as interesting as its namesake.]