Taylor Swift Wonderstruck


Hey y’all! America’s Sweetheart here to tell you about my new perfume, Wonderstruck. Wonderstruck is perfect for that 22 year-old girl in your life who is contractually obligated to act like a 15 year-old emoting into her flimsily-padlocked diary. It’s sure to leave the Jonas Brother in her life “wonderstruck” (see what I did there???), at least until he leaves her for the whorish Demi Lovato in her life. Wonderstruck features notes of beautiful rainbows, adorable kittens, and romantic-yet-chaste walks on the beach. It also-

YO TAYLOR! I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST CELEBRITY FRAGRANCES OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!!!!!!

Hold up, y’all. This isn’t Planet Caps Lock. Where am I? Why is this bottle of Hennessy empty?

Why is Taylor Swift crying again? Damn, girl, don’t cry. Uncle Kanye will take away your tears, or at least bottle them in a glass jar, because I heard they can cure cancer.

Damn, y’all, why don’t I have a perfume yet? P. Diddy has a perfume. Usher has a perfume. Why not Kanyeezy? I think that all y’all HATERS are underestimating my ARTISTIC IMPACT on rap. I am the MICHELANGELO of rap, and here I am referring to both the artist AND the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I am the SYLVIA PLATH of rap, and I have the bell jar full of Taylor Swift’s tears to prove it. Did Puffy direct a THIRTY NINE-MINUTE music video that featured ballet dancers, a phoenix love interest, and a pet sheep? Does Usher even HAVE a pet sheep? I BET HE DOESN’T. I keep mine in my backyard, next to the phoenix.

Y’all in luck, perfume companies. Uncle Kanye has graciously decided to allow you to create a perfume for me. It will smell like GENIUS. Genius and Hennessy. YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA.

[Editor’s note: Today’s post was based on the testimony of my former nurse Monique, who used to work at Kanye West’s record company. Taylor Swift Wonderstruck is the same old red fruit punch fragrance that smells suspiciously similar to Rihanna’s celebrity perfume. It is about as interesting as its namesake.]

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7 thoughts on “Taylor Swift Wonderstruck

  1. Someone should tell Kanye that being the Sylvia Plath of anything is not likely to end well…. ; – )

    But a rapping turtle (smeling of whatever) I would pay money to see!

    1. My turtle cannot rap. Or do anything remotely useful. I must admit I don’t like her much (and she certainly doesn’t like me), but I don’t know how to get rid of her. Turtles live up to 100 years, so she will probably outlive me!

  2. This was the most hilarious thing ever. Or EVER Y’ALL, in Kanye-speak. If you ever do write that perfume book, I’m so buying it. I wish I knew someone in real life as intelligent and funny as you, so I could be BFFs and dance under rainbows and get angsty about boys with her. Taylor would approve.

    1. What an incredibly sweet thing to say! We can dance under virtual rainbows! But truthfully, you probably know many people like me in real life. My sense of humor is not a particularly good match to my current environment, so I tend to keep it to myself.

  3. Aw, now! I kinda like Miss Rainbows-n-Unicorns Swift, probably because a) she writes her own songs, which though tending toward the mushy and juvenile, show at least a promise of depth that may come with maturity, and b) she wears red lipstick. Also, with a teenage daughter who’s just started dating, I’m talking up the idea of “romantic-but-chaste walks on the beach.” Talking that up BIG, lemme tellya. Happened to pick up her cell phone the other day…

    … okay, I’ll ‘fess. I snooped. She knows that responsible phone/text use and random Mom-snoopage are conditions of possessing a cellphone.

    … and the latest text msg I found was from her BF, at 9:42 pm, just after she finished her chemistry homework and before she came downstairs for bedtime snack: “Goodnight. Love you too.” Arrrrggghhh. They’re 16, they’ve been dating two months, neither one of them has ever dated anyone else – Good Lord, please let her go on thinking that hand-holding and hugs and goodnight kisses are SEXY AS ALL GET-OUT.

    Taylor Swift says so. Must be true.

    (Head shake. Sigh. Rueful smile.)

    That said, I did laugh my butt off with this one. Kanye skeers me. OTOH, I think “Genius” would be a pretty great frag name.

    1. I like T. Swift too! I think she has a very pleasant voice (and while that may seem to be damning with faint praise, it is much more than I can say of most singers these days). I hope that Bookworm continues to be satisfied with chaste walks on the beach for at least a little while longer. She sounds like a great kid.

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