Kate Walsh Billionaire Boyfriend

Please note that I have not yet tried Billionaire Boyfriend. This post is in response to the concept behind this new perfume.

My angel! I’m so sorry, you caught me a little unprepared. I gave Jeeves the day off, he told me something about needing to have some words with Kate Walsh. You know Jeeves. Always such a kidder.

Why, darling, you’re hardly dressed for a day on the yacht! Where is your Prada sunscreen? Your Missoni muumuu? Next you’re going to tell me that you forgot your Gucci sandcastle bucket!

Why, pet, whatever could you mean by “Can we take the smaller yacht today?” You know perfectly well that I just had Jeeves prepare the S.S. 1% for our lunch with William and Kate! It would positively break Jeeve’s heart if we didn’t use it after he put so much effort into that diamond-encrusted anchor. And it always raises the serfs’ spirits to see our flag on the horizon.

You want a what? A job? Is that one of those ghastly STDs that all the commoners seem to have? Work? Well, naturally! I’ve been saying for years that it’s time for you to take over Mother’s position on the National Ballet board. No? Oh, I see, you genius girl. You’re holding out for the National Opera.

Look, I don’t know who this Gloria Steinem character is, but I don’t think she’s being a very good influence on you. Please don’t make me call Mother and have her disinvited from the Save The Dwarf Hamsters gala next month. Is she one of your Real Housewife friends? No? Is she a Kennedy? Those damn Kennedys. Can’t trust ‘em farther than you can throw them. What do you mean, “male gaze”? What the hell is a “proletariat”?

Sweet John D. Rockefeller! What’s gotten into you, precious? Look, those awful feminists are gone now, you don’t have to pretend anymore. We both know that all you want is to stay in our tastefully decorated home while I drunkenly invade Father’s stockholder meetings and carry on remarkably indiscreet affairs.

No, no, don’t speak, turtledove. I can see the rapturous agreement in your eyes. That’s what every woman wants, isn’t it? A billionaire boyfriend! No need for silly things like a job or an identity. My goodness, sometimes it’s positively exhausting to be so in touch with women’s needs. I may well have need of the smelling salts.

Why, poppet, you’re crying! Tears of joy, how very touching. Here, have my best handkerchief. It’s terribly soft, isn’t it? Jeeves wasn’t even using that chest hair.

20 thoughts on “Kate Walsh Billionaire Boyfriend

  1. Ari,
    This is a hilarious post, especially since you said you had run out of ideas. See—- wait long enough and a ridiculous perfume concept comes along. Shame really, I liked the original Boyfriend enough to buy a roller of it from Sephora as one of my Christmas presents to myself. It was pretty good for a mainstream perfume.

    1. Thank you, Barbara! I have the Boyfriend body oil too. For all I know “Billionaire Boyfriend” smells great too, but I just can’t own something with that name.

  2. The S.S. 1%!!! ROTFLOL! I love this post! And I’m with you, I could never buy a perfume with this name. On the other hand, I hate to admit that in part I love Frederic Malle’s Portrait of A Lady because of the name.

    Thanks for making my day. Hope you have a great weekend.

    1. I’m so glad that you enjoyed it, Tatiana! And hey, I believe that there should be no shame in liking or disliking a product for its name. Someone gets paid to come up with good names for products! If we didn’t care about product names, that person is out of a job! DON’T YOU WANT TO CREATE JOBS????
      Have a great weekend too! 🙂

  3. Genius! And pretty good evidence that you will always find something to write about and, more importantly, something which always relies on your unique style and perspective.

    Here’s to the sinking of the S.S. 1% (or at least the re-positioning of it as a passenger ferry — I have trouble with “direct action”)

    1. Thank you so much for the wonderfully supportive words, Linda. By the way, I wanted to ask- have you received your package yet???

      1. Oh yes. Sorry not to pop you an email to let you know it arrived a few days after you mailed it. I’ve been verrryyy slooowwwly working my way through the samples to prolong the pleasure, increase my understanding and try to cement them in my memory. Fascinating.

        So far, I can tell you that Bulgari Black is full bottle worthy, so a very big thanks for the introduction. And while Apres L’Ondee isn’t me (too much anise) I can’t get out of my mind the way it gives the impression of wetness — very intriguing. On me Chinatown has a dusty spiciness that is enjoyable. The opening of Calyx is fabulous, glorious greenness, but then it turns oh so awful on me.

        I’m already a fan of Chanel No 5 and liked the No 22, but it seems a little too “pretty” for me. Gotta put my big girl panties on, as Musette would say, before I try the some of the heavy hitters.

        1. Yaaay! I’m so happy to hear that you have fallen for Bulgari Black! I love it too, a great ‘fume at a great price. I just wish the bottle didn’t look like a hockey puck.

  4. Hehe – I love this post!!

    It’s such a hideous idea for a perfume but also it’s so doesn’t fit Kate Walsh. She doesn’t seem to be the kind of gal who would want a billionaire boyfriend?! She’s an independent woman y’all.

    1. I’ve only seen Kate Walsh in one thing, the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen. She was EXTREMELY funny and seems quite bright. I am so damn confused by this perfume. I keep thinking that it must be a joke.

  5. Sorry Ari… This seems to have lots of fun!!, but it’s too much for my reading full comprehension skills due to the slang and the ironic jokes… It requires high knowledge, haha! 😉

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