So sometimes I do this thing where I pretend that celebrities with career troubles hire me as their badly-needed new manager and my brilliant suggestions help them to turn their careers around. My imaginary celebrity clients include Jennifer Hudson, Lindsay Lohan, Alexis Bledel, and Rachel McAdams.
My J-Hud spiel: Girl. Giiiiiiiiiirl. Your Whitney Houston tribute at the Grammy’s made Adele’s performance look like amateur hour. You need to be at least three times this famous. Listen up. Ne-Yo is writing your next album. And until further notice, Kanye is your new boyfriend. Here are his tranquilizers.
Lohan never returns my calls, of course.
My Alexis spiel: Alexis, sweetie, your beauty is matched only by your utter inability to act. A few years ago I would have told you to go back to modeling, but an interesting new opportunity has opened up. Just say the word and we’ll have you replace Katy Perry and/or Zooey Deschanel. No one will ever know.
My McAdams spiel: Speaking of kidnapping and amateur hour, you know what we have to do, McAdams. In three days, Carey Mulligan will have mysteriously disappeared, and you need to be on the Gatsby set explaining to that damn fool Baz Luhrmann that Daisy is the role you were born to play. We’ll handle Tobey Maguire later. (Really, Baz? Friggin’ Spiderman is your Nick? Hey, why not J-Woww as Jordan?)
I occasionally get the same instinctive need to step in and save certain perfume brands. Today I’ll be sharing my spiels for Chanel, By Kilian, Kate Walsh. Please feel free to share your own spiels (for these brands or any others) in the comments!
Let’s not mince words. Chanel hasn’t had a decent perfume in your mainstream line since 2007’s Eau Premiere. 2011’s No. 19 Poudre was achingly dull and reportedly fared poorly on skin. Your 2011 Exclusif Jersey was the laughingstock of perfume bloggers everywhere. Y’all need a hit, and you needed it yesterday.
What needs to happen: Cut Allure and Allure Sensuelle. Cut all Chance flankers. Either fix or cut Coco and Cristalle. Cut LITERALLY ALL of your men’s fragrances. Now, remove Coromandel, 28 La Pausa, Eau de Cologne, Bel Respiro, and Gardenia from your Exclusif line and transfer them to your mainstream line. All of them will need new names, except for Gardenia. Put them in the classic Chanel Eau de Parfum bottles. Make Eau de Cologne your only mainstream men’s fragrance. Immediately cease those trashy Keira Knightley Coco Mademoiselle ads. Your new models are Zoe Saldana and Blake Lively.
By Kilian is doing a lot of things right. The line is known for quality products and good PR (including the excellent strategy of offering free samples to their Facebook followers). However, there are still a few issues here.
What needs to happen
The prices need to go down by at least $100. Except for the discovery set, which needs to go down by $150. I’m not joking. The current prices are prohibitive. Come on, son. Even us perfume crackheads think you’re overpriced. The names are also a problem. Like eight of them contain the word “love”. That is super confusing, you guys. Furthermore, not a single one of the By Kilian ads features founder Kilian Hennessy shirtless. I will not stand for this travesty.
Kate Walsh acquired quite a bit of goodwill in the perfume community with her surprisingly impressive debut fragrance, Boyfriend. However, her second fragrance, Billionaire Boyfriend, is offensive both in concept and in smell.
What Needs to Happen
Say it was a joke. Say it was satirical commentary on gender roles and economics. Honestly, you should have taken this route before the perfume was ever released, and I’m not sure that you’ll even be able to backtrack now, but you damn better well try. Then say that the social experiment has been completed and cut Billionaire Boyfriend from the lineup immediately. Wait about a year before releasing “Lover”, a unisex green citrus. You’re welcome, you morons.