It’s almost bikini season, ladiez! Is everyone ready to hate themselves? Now, I assume that you’ve all been pounding your wheatgrass smoothies and snorting the appropriate amounts of protein powder. Remember, YOU TOO CAN LOOK LIKE GISELLE IN A BIKINI! I mean, stars, they’re just like us, right? It’s not like Giselle has access to personal trainers, chefs, childcare, or the Patriots training gym! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES, LADIEZ. If you don’t look like Giselle in your bikini by June, you will have failed your ancestors and cannot be buried in the family plot. And don’t forget, ladiez, self-loathing burns up to 70 calories an hour!
Just kidding, y’all! I promise that you don’t actually have to read yet another hideously boring article on the eight best ways to get your bikini body that are totally not the same as last year’s eight best ways to get your bikini body. (WE ALREADY KNOW to drink eight cups of water and eat leafy green vegetables. Now let’s get to the important stuff, like how I can find the unicorn blood that keeps Kate Middleton’s hair so shiny.) You want to hear my top-secret tips for getting a bikini body? Step 1: have a body. Step 2: have a bikini. Et voila! Ze bikini body!
The beach is supposed to be fun, goddammit. Forget the tiny piece of spandex. Forget all of the pressure and stress that comes with it. Today, we’re going to tackle a far more enjoyable topic: bikini perfumes! What perfume will you wear on your hard-earned beach vacation?
There are a couple of factors working against you here. Whether you’re lying motionless under an umbrella, practicing the runway walk that will eventually win you America’s Next Top Model in the surf, or defending a sandcastle from devious seagulls, you’ll probably be sweating to some extent. This rules out heavier perfumes that don’t play nicely with sweat. Unless you’re going for that glamorous Shar-Pei look, you will also be wearing sunscreen, which usually has its own scent and could therefore conflict with your perfume choice.
With all this in mind, here are some of my favorite beach perfumes. Please share yours with us in the comments!
Estee Lauder Tom Ford Azuree Soleil: I admit it freely: I’m totally floralist (prejudiced against floral perfumes). I own exactly two floral perfumes, which tells you how exceptional I think those perfumes are. Azuree Soleil was my first floral (if you’re curious, Safran Troublant was the second). Azuree Soleil is the happiest perfume I own. It smells like salt, gardenias, and sunscreen. Now, Azuree Soleil was discontinued in 2007. It was allegedly reincarnated as Bronze Goddess. I can’t really comment on that, as I have only tried Bronze Goddess briefly (I do remember that BG was sweeter and had less gardenia). But if you are having trouble finding Azuree Soleil, many people say that Bronze Goddess is a very close substitute.
Tokyo Milk Marine Sel: Don’t be fooled by the other Tokyo Milk perfume deceptively named “Sand and Sea”! This is the one that really smells like beach air. Marine Sel is a bitingly salty perfume that never feels too aquatic, thank Dumbledore. This perfume is for those people who go to the beach for the water, not to lie around on the shore.
Bond No. 9 Fire Island: Tuberose and sunscreen! Most tuberose perfumes are like non-Twilight vampires: they’re really only suited to after-dark wear. Fire Island is a beach bombshell instead of a femme fatale. I love the lazy sensuality of this perfume, but I’m less fond of those Bond No. 9 prices. Some cheaper (if a bit thinner) alternatives to Fire Island include CB I Hate Perfume At The Beach 1966 and Bobbi Brown Beach.
Kai: Am I ever going to shut up about Kai? Probably not, since it’s my one connection to Usher. It’s also a lusciously green perfume that smells like gardenias with cut stems. Plus, let’s face it, Kai is a little too simple to wear anywhere but the beach. I recommend the oil or the Body Glow formulations, which is what I have.
Kate Walsh Boyfriend: After eight Paris Hilton perfumes, six Jennifer Lopez perfumes, and a Snooki perfume, one could be forgiven for not expecting much out of Boyfriend, a celebrity perfume by a not-particularly-famous actress. Well, I owe Ms. Walsh an apology. (She also owes me one for the travesty known as Billionaire Boyfriend.) Boyfriend is a sweet incense perfume with a casually sexy vibe. Oriental perfume lovers traditionally hate summer because they can’t wear their favorite hard-hitters. Boyfriend is a perfect light oriental to get them through the season.