(Scene opens with three Chanel executives sitting around a conference table. Or maybe being all shadowy like the fashion coalition in Zoolander. I don’t know. I’ll get back to you on this part.)
Exec 1: As you both know, Chanel has asked us for a new flanker to Coco. They want a “luminous oriental”. It’s going to be called Coco Noir. They’re giving us this gorgeous black-and-gold bottle. We’ll have access to Chanel’s exclusive supply of Grasse jasmine and rose. We’ll also be working with Jacques Polge, the perfumer who created the original Coco. I think that we can really knock this one out of the park. What have you got for me?
Exec 2: Well, we already have an excellent oriental in our Les Exclusifs line, Coromandel. We could transfer it to the mainstream line. Even though it’s a niche perfume, it’s definitely not too weird or inaccessible for mainstream tastes.
Exec 3: Ooh, we could do one of those rose-oud perfumes. Those are really popular right now.
Exec 2: No, no, we need something innovative! Something original! Something even richer and more luxurious than the original Coco! We need something that will stand the test of time against all of the disposable perfumes on the market today. We need a true fragrance masterpiece!
(The executives stare intently at each other.)
Exec 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Execs 2 and 3: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
Exec 1: OH MAN YOU ALMOST HAD ME GOING THERE EXEC 2
Exec 3: I’M GONNA HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT JOKE FOR THE OFFICE PARTY BWAHAHAHAHAHA
(The executives slowly regain their composure.)
Exec 1: Eh, let’s just tell Polge to add some more patchouli to Coco Mademoiselle.
(End scene!)
SCENTS OF SELF 
Yeah, gorgeous conversation! I can’t tell what are your thoughts on Coco Noir based in this but I guess you think it’s actually nothing different than Coco Mademoiselle. You’re probably right.
lucasai, I really don’t like Coco Noir. I find it genuinely unpleasant (which has NEVER happened to me before with a Chanel). It’s very similar to Coco Mademoiselle, but somehow worse!
I tried it in store and quite liked but but then realized it’s quite boring too.
Hysterical! Thanks for the chuckle 🙂
I’m so glad you enjoyed it, baconbiscuit!
Ohhhh yeah, I can see it now. As well as the part where they point out gleefully to each other that if Polge just tweaks CM, they can reduce the amount of Actual Floral Essences in the stuff – and that’ll be better for the bottom line. Patchouli is cheap.
Especially this sour, synthetic patchouli! Ick.
And isn’t it $98 for 1.7 oz? Whew… CM has enough patchouli in it for me.
That’s why I think they should have just used Coromandel, lilasiris! At $110 for 2.7 oz, it’s actually significantly cheaper (and significantly better) than Coco Noir!
HAHAHA I love it.
The beginning grapefruit note is squick. The drydown has nuclear powers of grossness. I got a card (a pretty, black-bottle-shaped-card, no less) of this at Saks over the weekend and several days later I was sitting on the couch and kept smelling some horrible generic gross perfume smell. Like windex patchouli. I thought it was coming from mine or my husband’s body. No, in fact, it was the card of Coco Noir! So, I don’t know. I thought Coco Noir was “squicky sport grapefruit over a slightly more patchouli-ish version of Coco Mademoiselle” but now I’m concerned it’s something much more sinister.
The perfume equivalent of Soylent Green? @_@
IT’S PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!
mwahahaha
The cards ARE lovely, aren’t they?? I took about 12, and am trying to think of a good craft project for them. I love, love, love “nuclear powers of grossness”.
They really are cute. The one saving grace!
I have been trying so hard not to peek at the reviews already out there of Coco Noir, as I am gearing up to writing my own, but I couldn’t resist your amusing take, with which I wholeheartedly concur!
I can’t wait for your Coco Noir review to pop up in my inbox, Vanessa! So glad to see you getting back in the blogging saddle! Yee-ha! 😉
This is precisely how it happened, with the addition that they were dressed like the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings. One Noir shall rule them all, one Noir shall bind them.
Note for readers: this comment is an excellent segue to Meg’s Coco Noir review! 😀
Ooh, I didn’t mean it that way, but honestly. Can one smell Coco Noir and not be touched by the chill of Mordor?
Excellent! And hasn’t this release been a damp squib?
Okay, I had to look up what “squib” meant, because I only knew the Harry Potter definition (a non-magical child of a magical parent). But now that I know that squib also means “filler”, I agree wholeheartedly! And I just don’t understand why they wasted such an amazing bottle on such a mediocre fragrance. They should have saved it for something better!
Hiya Arielle,
So we tried Coco Noir on a EvieC while at the Department Store, expecting mediocre but on her skin it was incredible, l fruit-chouliight, bright, sexy, glamorous and utterly disarming. We were all entranced by her wrist for about 15 mins and kept coming back to see if it really smelled that good on her. It did!
On everyone else it was merely OK to WTF fruit-chouli blah?
So it does work magic for some skin,
Portia x
Wow! I am super jealous of EvieC and her magic skin!!
I love Coco and don’t like Coco Mademoiselle. Coco Noir was a total scrubber on me, which is too bad because I love the black bottle!
I feel the exact same way, Barbara. If the perfume had even been just sort of good, I would have bought it just for the bottle, but it wasn’t even that.
A masterpiece! Thanks so much for the chuckle – and for one less perfume to sample!
Thank you, Sandy! I definitely wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to sample this one.
Clever review and entertaining. I think Coco Noir is brilliant. C’est la vie!
Thank you so much for your kind words about my review even though you disagree with the content, laniersmith!
You are welcome my charming friend….I so enjoy your blog.
Brilliant! I think you should write a play.
I haven’t tried Mademoiselle or Noir but I do own Coromandel and it’s firmly in rotation.
Oh wow, thank you Sujaan! Plays are very long, but I am fairly confident that I could write a 20 minute South Park episode.
Coromandel is one of my very favorite Les Exclusifs! I seriously wish that they had taken my advice on this. (Not because it’s MY advice, but because it was good advice!)
I don’t care for Coco Noir much (and I agree with Natalie from APB that even that bottle looks not as nice in RL) but I loughed reading your skit. Thank you! 🙂
Thank you so much for reading and enjoying it, Undina!
I am a die hard Chanel girl and Noir does not last on me! I am very dissapointed in Chanel…..