Direct quote from my last dentist’s appointment: “You have very good teeth.” Immediately followed by, “You also have three cavities.” Three mysterious, inexplicable cavities that are definitely not related to my Nerds habit. I promise I brush my teeth, you guys. But if we’re baring our toothy souls here, it’s probably not for the full 2 minutes every time. It’s horrifying and shameful, but brushing my teeth is just so boring. I am fully prepared to welcome our inevitable robot overlords as long as they’ll brush my teeth for me.
It turns out that dentists are not particularly interested in hearing about how clean my teeth would be if the Singularity would just hurry up and happen already. So in the meantime, I have to make brushing my teeth interesting enough to prevent another three cavities. And what better way for a fragonerd to spice up her routine than fragranced toothpastes?
Toothy Tabs are exactly the kind of delightfully bizarre product I would expect from Lush, the company that brought us Play-Doh soap. They’re basically flavored pills of baking soda; you chew one, the water from your toothbrush makes them foam, and then you spit. Lush’s website warns you to “spit, not swallow”, and I concur. I took one for the team and swallowed, and the baking soda-y aftertaste was indeed unpleasant. I do it for you, people.
I tried two different Toothy Tabs: Aquatic (lime, jasmine, and earl grey) and Breath of God (sandalwood, benzoin, myrrh, and fennel). I tested Aquatic first. The name and the notes led me to expect a refreshing, gourmet cocktail kind of taste. Unfortunately, Aquatic uses the same jasmine oil as my least favorite Lush fragrance, the overwhelmingly heady Lust. If you can imagine a bottle of Jean Patou Joy poured into a cup of Earl Grey, you’d probably be pretty close to the taste. I did not last the full two minutes.
Breath of God, however, was a fascinating experience. Two minutes felt like barely enough time to explore all of the layers of flavor in here. I’ve really only ever used mint-flavored toothpaste, so the slight sweetness of Breath of God’s sandalwood powder took me by complete surprise. I’m pretty sure that this is about as exciting as toothpaste gets.
With both flavors, the chunks of the tab give you a pretty gritty, physical brushing. So my teeth feel especially clean after using them, although I have no idea whether they really are. I also like the fact that the Toothy Tabs packaging is recyclable, so I don’t have to feel like I’m personally executing a polar bear every time I throw out a non-recyclable tube.
Two tubes of Marvis Licorice and Jasmine Mint are on their way from Amazon. I’m really curious how those more conventional toothpastes will compare to the Toothy Tabs. I’ll report back in a future edition of fragrant dental hygiene!
Disclaimers: This post is not sponsored and does not contain affiliate links. All products featured are my own purchases. Brush your teeth, kids.