Okay, so maybe buying a massage bar for yourself when you have no one to massage is mildly pathetic. But why should all the single ladies have to miss out on a perfectly good coffee scent just because Lush decided to release it in massage bar form? That’s not what Beyonce fought for, y’all.
I’ve tried every coffee scent on the market, from Bond No. 9 New Haarlem to Jo Malone Black Vetyver Cafe to Montale Intense Cafe, in my quest for dark-roasted perfection. The search continues: despite being literally studded with coffee beans, Percup isn’t quite my holy grail coffee fragrance, either. But it does perfectly replicate the smell of stale coffee beans, a familiar, comforting scent for the over-caffeinated among us. Sadly, Percup’s scent disappears after only 20 minutes on the skin, and the massage bar is too large and heavy to make a properly portable solid perfume. I guess I’ll just have to find someone to massage me! Excuse me while I cry into my cat.
Out of all of the nine new Gorilla Perfumes, Furze was probably the one I was least excited to try. I’d never heard of a furze plant before, and the notes (vanilla and coconut) sounded a little Bath & Body Works. I was more interested in the darker-sounding perfumes, like Voice of Reason and Hellstone. But when I finally had the chance to try all nine scents last week, Furze immediately emerged as the standout of the collection.
I’m not sure how useful my description of Furze will be, as it appears to smell very different to different noses. The Candy Perfume Boy described it as “incredibly crisp and green” in his review, while a Basenotes commenter called it “a gorgeous mimosa scent.” For me, Furze has that luminous sweetness that I typically associate with heliotrope scents, only without the powdery aspect that heliotrope often has. The Muse in Wooden Shoes once described the smell of her heliotrope plants as “jam-filled donuts”, and I think that’s a perfect description for Furze. Although I would love to smell The Candy Perfume Boy’s crisp and green version, Furze never deviates from sweet and creamy on my skin.
In addition to being one of the most enjoyable new Gorilla Perfumes, Furze also happens to be the cheapest. The smallest size is $14.95, and the largest size (3.1 oz/91 ml) is only $44.95! As usual for Lush fragrances, Furze has excellent lasting power. Even though Lush isn’t making it easy for you to try Furze (it’s only being sold in 15 out of Lush’s hundreds of North America stores), it’s definitely worth seeking out.
This is just the perfect product, you guys. I am into literally everything about it: the smell, the price ($9.95 for the smallest bottle), the cause. The smell is a little tricky to describe. Have you ever had ponzu sauce? Ponzu, in addition to being the name of my future puggle, is citrus-flavored soy sauce. The Olive Branch’s fragrance is a similar concept: citrus-flavored olive oil! The Olive Branch combines fruity, aromatic olive oil with a bright, sweet orange scent (the Lush website says “mandarin”, but I’m not going to front like I can distinguish mandarin oranges from regular oranges). The texture is a little runny, with minimal lather, which is a plus for drier skin. This product does, however, contain sodium laureth sulfate, if SLS is a concern for you.
The best part about The Olive Branch is that its olive oil is produced by Sindyanna of Galilee, a women-led Palestinian non-profit. From Sindyanna’s website: “We strive to strengthen the economy of the Arab-Palestinian population in general and to enhance the empowerment of Arab women in particular. Our organization is a unique Arab-Jewish cooperation which shows that a solution to the Middle East conflict begins with creating real economic opportunities.” It is honestly such a pleasure to be able to support an organization that is contributing to both the Palestinian and Jewish populations of Israel in such a positive way. And I couldn’t help but smile when I read Sindyanna’s comments on The Olive Branch: “It is our duty to show the bright side of our region – use olive oil, not weapons!”
FUN is basically fragrant play-doh that can be molded into Totoros. This is pretty much my dream product, guys. I bought two varieties, the Pink (vanilla and tonka bean) and the Yellow (vanilla). The Pink definitely doesn’t smell like tonka beans, but it does smell wonderful- sweet and vaguely fruity, just like pink cotton candy. Childhood nostalgia achieved! The Yellow smelled much more strongly of play-doh, and was less strongly fragranced in general.
Lush claims that FUN can be used as a soap, shampoo, bubble bath, and “malleable toy”. It succeeds on three of those counts. It’s a perfectly decent soap and didn’t strip my skin’s moisture. A thumb-sized chunk produces a tub full of bubbles, which is particularly awesome considering how expensive Lush’s other bubble-producing products can be. It can indeed be molded (please see my masterpiece below). DO NOT USE THIS AS A SHAMPOO. Maybe, if you’ve never colored your hair in your life, FUN would be an acceptable shampoo, but it was by far the most drying thing I’ve ever used on my hair.
Oh, a word of warning: don’t leave this on the side of your bathtub. The wrapper is biodegradable, and when your cat inevitably pushes it into the bath, it will instantly melt. And then you will resent her fluffy little face even more than you already did because she also bit through your computer charger DURING FINALS WEEK and OH MY GOD HOW CAN SOMETHING SO CUTE BE SO EVIL.
I know what you’re thinking, y’all. “A massage bar on a perfume blog? How low will you stoop, Scents of Self?” (The answer is pretty freaking low, y’all. Pretty freaking low.) But hear me out, non-believers. Lush massage bars are pretty much bulky solid perfumes that cannot be taken outside of the house. Okay, I’m not exactly talking them up here, but my point is that they are very highly fragranced in addition to being impressively moisturizing.
Now, I’m not much for “friends with benefits”. I’m a serial monogamist all the way, because if I find someone willing to deal with my various oddities, I DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY. However, I am fully willing to commit to this Friends with Benefits massage bar. Friends with Benefits smells like the most gloriously bitter dark chocolate. I have some baking chocolate on hand, and I swear to you that Friends with Benefits is only slightly sweeter. I actually mistook its scent for coffee upon first sniff. I have no intention of using Friends with Benefits for actual massage purposes- why would I waste it on someone else?- but I do recommend it very highly. Please note that I cannot be held responsible for anyone who tries to nom their own arm off under the influence of Friends with Benefits.