Not Even For Free


I LOVE this story, you guys. So every day we put a “scent of the day” outside the shop. Last Wednesday, that scent was CB I Hate Perfume Burning Leaves. Towards the end of the day, two mischievous teenagers stopped in front of the scent of the day.

“Let’s just take it,” one of them giggled. “I’m gonna take it,” the other whispered back. (Note to mischievous teens: our shop has unusually good sound acoustics.)

Eventually, it occurred to our daring duo that they might want to actually try the fragrance they were about to run off with.

“Ugh!” Blonde Teen screeched. “I don’t want that! Who would want that?”

Our discerning critics immediately took off, leaving poor, rejected Burning Leaves safe and sound.

That exciting caper got me thinking: are there any fragrances you wouldn’t wear even if someone handed you a free bottle? My personal “not even if you paid me” would probably be Gorilla Perfumes Lust. There’s nothing objectively wrong with Lust, but that heady jasmine is completely overwhelming to me.

Bath and Beyond

As a kid, bathtime was storytime. Every bath was another episode in the rich inner lives of my Barbies, starring Little Mermaid Barbie, Spice Girls Barbies, and Headless Ken. (Well, Technically Headless Ken. I still had his head. I just couldn’t get it back on his body. Not sure if that’s better or worse.) I still take a bath almost every day after work, but Ken and his Barbie harem have since been replaced by a horrifying number of bath products. (Scented, of course!) My all-time favorites:

Lush Ickle Baby Bot


The cheapest Lush bath bomb, and therefore my constant companion in college. It’s not as strongly scented as many of Lush’s other bath bombs, but it does turn the water a very calming shade of blue.

Philosophy Senorita Margarita


I’ve been using Senorita Margarita since long before the legal drinking age; my first bottle was actually a bat mitzvah gift! A winning combination of sour and salty, this is for pre-big-night-out baths.

Bath & Body Works White Tea & Ginger Bubble Bath


Gone, but not forgotten! An excellent, high-bubble formulation in one of the best Bath & Body Works scents. I’m sure the other scents are nice too, but I’ll keep hoarding this one as long as I can.

What’s in your bathtub these days? Any favorite bath products that we need to try?

Disclaimers: This post is not sponsored and does not contain affiliate links. All products featured in this post were purchased by myself, much to my wallet’s dismay. 

Chanel Boy


Gabrielle Chanel considered Arthur ‘Boy’ Capel as more than her soul mate; he was her double and her alter-ego. Inspired by their love, BOY CHANEL is a vibrant, perfectly balanced scent that challenges tradition and transcends gender.

Dear Parfums Chanel,

Hi guys! Me again!

Boy is very good. In general, Chanel fragrances are very good. I will continue to buy them, because that money goes right to the Wertheimer family. But I beg you to stop this romanticized, obsessive fetishization of your literal Nazi founder. Your continued insistence on waxing poetic about Gabrielle “Documented Nazi Spy” Chanel and the minutiae of her not-nearly-miserable-enough life makes me so, so twitchy.

Boy is the latest in a long line of fragrances paying swooning tribute to Chanel’s “soul mates”, her “confidantes”, her favorite color, even her goddamn home decor. THE WELL IS DRY, CHANEL. IT WASN’T EVEN A GOOD WELL TO BEGIN WITH. You cannot make me care about Coco, Chanel. You cannot make me care about her lacquered screens or her “soul mates” or her goddamn prom date. I promise that there is more exciting perfume name source material than the woman who reported directly to motherfucking Heinrich Himmler¹.

If you’re having trouble thinking of names that aren’t inspired by the petty, small woman who took advantage of Nazi laws forbidding Jewish ownership of property to petition for the seizure of Parfums Chanel from its legal Jewish owners², may I offer a suggestion? Your current head designer, Karl Lagerfeld, is the owner of the cutest cat in the world. Choupette Lagerfeld is a veritable fount of potential perfume names! How about Francoise or Marjorie, Choupette’s full-time maids? What about all of the models who’ve had photoshoots with Choupette? Gisele! Kendall! Laetitia! Linda! Name one after her favorite iPad app!

Choupette must love Pokemon Go so hard.
Choupette must love Pokemon Go so hard.

And then you put Choupette in the ads, okay? It’ll go more viral than Brad Pitt, promise.

Cats in perfume ads. Inevitable.
Cats in perfume ads. Inevitable.

Don’t worry about my consulting fee; not having to write one of these posts every time you release a fragrance dedicated to good old Gabby is payment enough.

I know it might feel a little silly at first to name your products after a cat, but I promise that it’s no sillier than naming them after the woman who paid for the medical, living, and funeral expenses of Walter Schellenberg, head of SS Foreign Intelligence, until his death in 1952³. (SEVEN YEARS AFTER WORLD WAR II, for all you “she did what she had to do to survive the war” apologist schmucks.)

Good talk, guys! Can’t wait for Eau de Choupette!

P.S. Boy is an intriguing, multifaceted lavender softened by heliotrope. It is both more interesting and less masculine than the “aromatic fougere” it is being advertised as. Nice job, Olivier Polge. (In all seriousness, Olivier, Eau de Choupette is one of my all-time best ideas. Get on this.)

¹ Vaughan, Hal. Sleeping With the Enemy: Coco Chanel’s Secret War. Alfred A. Knopf, 2011: p. xix (Prologue).
² Mazzeo, Tilar J. The Secret of Chanel No. 5. HarperCollins, 2010: p. 150.
³ Vaughan, Hal. Sleeping With the Enemy: Coco Chanel’s Secret War. Alfred A. Knopf, 2011: p. 205-207.

Disclaimers: This post is not sponsored (could you tell?) and does not contain affiliate links. I sampled Boy at my local Chanel boutique. 

Comme des Garcons Grace by Grace Coddington

I think this might just be my favorite perfume bottle of all time.

Of all time!!! Kanye, you are truly the gift that keeps on giving.
Of all time!!! Kanye, you are truly the gift that keeps on giving.

That cat cap! So whimsical! So adorable! So much better than Katy Perry’s nightmarish cat bottle!


Inside that perfect bottle is a delicate wisp of a rose fragrance with a lovely twist of mint. Everything smells very high quality, very natural. I can’t overemphasize just how light Grace is; it’s lighter than both of my previous reference points for fresh rose fragrances, Diptyque Eau Rose and Hermes Rose Ikebana. Lasting power is virtually non-existent, which I don’t love at the $145 price point. As in, I sprayed it on at Sephora, tried maybe 3 lipsticks, left the store, and walked right back in, because it was already gone. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for a $28 travel spray with a tiny kitty cap!

Grace is unimpeachably pretty, but it’s just not as interesting as one might expect from a collaboration between the avant-garde Comme des Garcons and a legendary Vogue creative director. In a recent Into The Gloss interview, Coddington explained, “I love the smell of roses, but I’ve gone through so many perfumes that just cling and make you feel claustrophobic. I like something that’s fresh but still smells of roses.” The result seems to have been a fragrance that Coddington herself would happily wear, rather than a fragrance that captures the spirit of fashion’s favorite flame-haired cat lady. More power to her! That just means that Pharrell Girl remains my preferred CdG celebrity fragrance for the time being.

Call me when Grace comes out with a cat-pillow spray. Photo credit: Wall Street Journal.
Call me when Grace comes out with a cat-pillow spray. Photo credit: Wall Street Journal.

Disclaimers: This post is not sponsored and does not contain affiliate links. I tested Grace by Grace Coddington at my local Sephora. 

Captain, My Captain

That’s my dad, with his Father’s Day gift/new signature scent, Star Trek Tiberius Eau de Toilette. It’s a pretty perfect match, since my dad is best described as Captain Kirk with a PhD.

Trekkie in training.

My father, the inventor of positron emission mammography, is a scientific visionary. He is also an immeasurably great dad. My dad has built every piece of furniture I own, including the cat tower.

Say thank you, furry grandchild.

He kept my 6th grade science fair project (penicillin-resistant bacteria) in the freezer for years, because he was sure it would earn me a patent someday. There has never been a single time that my dad was not there when I needed him. I am so proud to be his daughter.

I hope that you all had a wonderful Father’s Day. Live long and prosper!