Bond No. 9 Coney Island

Among hardcore fragrance lovers, describing a perfume as “strange” or “odd” can sometimes be quite a compliment. This isn’t one of those times. I have never been to Coney Island, so I can’t comment on Bond’s accuracy to its subject. However, I am unfortunately still intimately acquainted with the smell of this perfume. You see, Coney Island smells like cheap margarita mix. It smells like a night out with the girls at a filthy, grimy frat house, the kind where you are forced to use coffee filters as toilet paper. Your best heels are slowly dissolving from the beer sludge, at least 1/3 of “your girls” are throwing up as a result of said cheap margarita mix, and you have no idea whether the person attempting to grind up on you is even remotely attractive, but it’s all good because Flo Rida’s “Where Them Girls At” just came on and that is your JAM.

Them girls are in the kitchen, Flo Rida, pilfering coffee filters. WHY DON’T YOU SAVAGES HAVE TOILET PAPER

While I clearly find Coney Island to be weirdly nostalgic (it reminds me of my alma mater, the University of Bad Choices), the days of smelling like cheap margarita mix (and enjoying Flo Rida songs) are now very far behind me. That’s why I transferred to the University of Watching Say Yes to the Dress Marathons With My Cat. I’m very happy there.

The kitty has awful taste in TV. Sometimes she makes me watch Hoarders.

Estee Lauder Azuree Soleil

Thank you for your excellent suggestions for florals/citruses, brilliant readers! It turns out I do actually own at least one proper floral (Bath and Body Works splashes don’t count): a long-neglected bottle of Azuree Soleil Eau Fraiche Skinscent. The Azuree Soleil craze, headed by the once-great Beauty Addict, swept the fragrance world in 2006. Everyone wanted to get their hands on what was reputed to be the-beach-in-a-bottle.

So does AS live up to the massive hype? Well, I personally am delighted to rediscover it. Azuree Soleil is a joyful blend of gardenia and coconut notes. It is indeed beach-y, though it lacks the sunscreen note that many beach-y scents utilize. Azuree Soleil captures the idea of the beach beautifully- the glint of sunlight off crystal blue waters, blindingly white sand. The often dirtier and less pleasant reality is nowhere to be found. In other words, AS is more Bermuda than Ocean City. (If you’re dying to smell like Ocean City, which… why?, consider Bond No 9 Coney Island.)

Ocean City: Eau de shitty $6 funnel cake.

Sadly, Azuree Soleil is currently discontinued. If this news plunges you into the deepest depths of despair, take heart: Estee Lauder, in its wisdom, now offers “Bronze Goddess” as a seasonal release. I’ve never tried BG, but it is by all accounts extremely similar to AS. It’s also $32, y’all. The proud Estee Lauder tradition of great fragrances for great prices is a beautiful thing.

Disclaimer: I purchased a bottle of Azuree Soleil way back when. It is going for $140 on Amazon, eek!