“What Perfume Should I Wear To Catch A Man?”

This is a question that perfume bloggers receive fairly often. It is generally met with derision from perfume lovers, who loathe the way that perfume has been marketed as a tool of seduction. While I do agree that perfume is hardly a man-pokéball, I maintain that perfume can enhance your attractiveness to others. So I have put together this list of guidelines. If they don’t work, you can always try Pon Farr For Women.

1) Do not wear childish perfumes. Trust me, you do not want your boy/girlfriend to develop erotic associations with a perfume that he or she is just as likely to smell on middle schoolers. Most well-adjusted, healthy adults who are not one commercial break away from having their house raided by Benson and Stabler are not attracted to anything too closely associated with pre-teens. This means nothing by Taylor Swift. Nothing by Justin Beiber. Nothing by Paris Hilton. Nothing by a Kardashian or a Jonas Brother. Nothing by an Olsen twin. Nothing by a Real Housewife. Nothing by Snooki. No perfume bottles topped with an oversize plastic flower. No perfumes with names that contain the words “bling”, “swag”, “sensual”, “bombshell”, “lollipop”, “sparkle”, or “sugar”.

2) Do not wear any of the more common classic fragrances on a first date. These fragrances include Chanel No. 5, Guerlain Shalimar, Jean Patou Joy, Lanvin Arpège, and Estée Lauder Youth Dew. I am not saying that these perfumes cannot be lethal weapons of seduction. But they pose a higher risk of reminding the object of your desire of an older female relative, such as their mother or grandmother, who may have worn the same perfume. This is great if the object of your desire has an unresolved Oedipal Complex, and probably not so great otherwise. Less common older fragrances, such as Guerlain L’Heure Bleue or Mitsouko, are still fair game.

3) Do not follow that classic Chanel adage, “Spray perfume where you want to be kissed”. I have no idea where Coco got that one. Perfume tastes bad.

4) Choose an intriguing perfume. Your perfume should either help you stand out from the other women in the room or reveal a surprising new facet of your personality to a prospect who has kept you in the Friend Zone for far too long. The right perfume can help to bring out your multi-dimensionality, and the resulting intrigue could be just what you need to spark a man or woman’s interest. For example, I am kind of weird. And not the endearing, “adorkable”, Zooey Deschanel kind of weird.

Just the regular kind of weird. The “Oh, I’d love to go out tonight, but The Crow is on SyFy” kind of weird. The “my speech impediment is commonly mistaken for a Bulgarian accent” kind of weird. In addition to being tremendously geeky, which is generally not considered to be a very feminine trait, I am also intelligent. This combination intimidates the hell out of most guys my age. As a result, my perfume choices tend to be sweet, comforting fragrances. Some of these include Guerlain L’Heure Bleue, Kenzo Amour Le Parfum, Serge Lutens Un Bois Vanille, and L de Lolita Lempicka. These perfumes hint at what lurks beneath my intense Mario Kart skills: a pink-loving, cupcake-baking girl who emits high-pitched squeals whenever confronted with pictures of a kitty.

Like this one! It’s a kitty! You’re a kitty! Look at those widdle feetsies!