Jennifer Aniston Perfume

I know what you’re thinking, America. You’re thinking, “Why is Jennifer Aniston wearing a towel?” That’s a very good question, America. I can only assume that Angelina Jolie stole my clothes, JUST LIKE SHE STOLE EVERYTHING ELSE. Please bring me a blanket and some hot chocolate, America, because I am freezing.

Now, I suspect that you’re also wondering, “Why would Jennifer Aniston need a celebrity perfume? Doesn’t she have better things to do?” Frankly, the answer is no, America. The answer is no. Despite the fact that I have great comic timing and better legs than most 20 year olds, I cannot get a good role for the life of me. I haven’t had a hit movie since “Office Space”, more than a decade ago. I HAD TO DO AN ADAM SANDLER MOVIE, YOU GUYS. I’ll be real with you: the “Friends” money is running out. Mama’s gotta pay the bills. Nose jobs don’t pay for themselves, you know!

Yeah, I went there.

So here you go, America: Jennifer Aniston, the perfume! I wanted to name it “Ultrasound”, since all you wannabe gynecologists seem to care about is the contents of my uterus. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people? Is the every quiver of my ovaries really that fascinating? She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has enough kids for the both of us, anyway. You should be talking about more important things, like my hair. I just dyed it from ‘honey caramel’ to ‘agave syrup caramel’. Priorities, people!

In conclusion, America, please buy my perfume. My manager would like me to tell you that it is an airy, clean jasmine fragrance, very much in keeping with the modern trend of non-indolic jasmine. My manager also says that if you don’t buy it, I’ll have to get back together with John Mayer. Please don’t make me do that, America. I would rather babysit for Angelina than subject myself to another tortured-yet-sensitive rendition of “Your Body is a Wonderland”.

Please don’t make me sit through another jam session. 

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Kate Walsh Boyfriend

Kate Walsh Boyfriend had the great misfortune of being released at exactly the same time as another celebrity scent, Jennifer Aniston. Now, I have no idea who Kate Walsh is. I know her only as “the one with the pretty red hair on that show that I don’t watch because everyone on it is a whiner.” I cannot help but know who Jennifer Aniston is, because every time I go to the grocery store I am inundated with tabloids fixated on The Current State of Jennifer Aniston’s Uterus.

THERE IS NO BABY GET OVER IT PEOPLE

I suspect that Jennifer Aniston’s perfume will do better with customers, due both to the fact that it is less ambitious than Boyfriend and to Ms. Aniston’s higher profile (which is kind of inexplicable at this point, Friends ended in 2004 you guys). And that’s a shame, because Boyfriend is the better perfume, and is far more interesting than the vast majority of the fragrances currently on Sephora’s shelves.

Kate Walsh Boyfriend is a warm, intoxicating incensey vanilla. The myrrh note adds a muskiness and depth to the vanilla that, although I’m sure must be very common in niche fragrances, I have not observed in a mainstream fragrance before. Boyfriend might be a relatively simple perfume, but it smells fabulous. I doubt that I would even wear it around a boyfriend, because a perfume this sensual might suggest that I was still on the prowl. The EDP concentration contains a poorly blended jasmine note that does not seem to be present in the Body Oil. This jasmine seriously compromises my enjoyment of this otherwise totally enjoyable fragrance, so I definitely recommend the Body Oil as my preferred concentration.

None of my boyfriends have ever smelled remotely like Kate Walsh’s platonic ideal. They all smelled like the Salvatore Ferragamo cologne, because that’s what I bought them when I was 15 and believed that men should smell like a swimming pool. Kate Walsh Boyfriend would have been a big step up.